Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
