I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
