my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
