I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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