Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
