i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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