I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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