my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
