FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
