You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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