made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Drunk is not a location!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize