One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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