I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
