She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
