My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
