He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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