Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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