that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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