I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
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The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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