I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
