Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
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Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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