He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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