my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
