so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
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how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
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I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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