yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
