I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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