what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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