I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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