I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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