Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
