How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
