Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We have started to decorate penises.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
