I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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