guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
