I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
