So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
