Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
