Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I want to be your penis for a week.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
