Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
