Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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