WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
