My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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