I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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