Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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