Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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