What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
