Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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