He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My penis needs a shock collar
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
