Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You're a disaster
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