if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
