Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
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Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
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Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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