I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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