so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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