She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
