I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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