We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
