ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
operation have a gay friend backfired
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
