We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
