I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
