I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
