"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
