If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
