Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I can't turn off my feet"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
